Empowering “Heart’s Desire” or Sabotaging Self-Indulgence?

How often do you spiral down into shame or guilt after you allow yourself to have an indulgent treat? A delicious treat, sleeping in, a shopping spree, an extra glass of wine or a fancy Starbucks coffee? It often feels good in the moment, but may lead you into a residual negative internal dialogue loop where the inner critic is screaming loudly.

Getting lost in a Netflix binge or playing game after game on your SMART phone entraps you, or losing track of time on Social Media feeds may help you to numb out from your stress, overwhelm, and exhaustion with a false sense of connection as you glean into the lives of others.

I often invite my clients to take on the task of doing one thing per day that is pure heart’s desire. This may sound easy, but it can be challenging to give to yourself something that empowers you so that you can train the muscles for receptivity, spontaneity and self-devotion. Taking on an action from pure heart’s desire is an empowering and energizing way to fill up your energy bank.

To add to the challenge, the daily task is to be tracked steadily for 30 days. If you miss one day, you start over at day one, until you can consistently receive from yourself one act motivated from your pure heart’s desire daily for 30 consecutive days. This method of saying yes to yourself takes mindful awareness to pay attention and discern what feels empowering and not indulgent.

There is no act of self-devotion that is too small. It can be something that takes ten minutes or something for several hours. It does not need to be a bucket list category. Heart’s Desire activities are aligned with your values and are pure pleasure, fun and energy generating. They can be shared with another or something just for you. It’s about being “selfish” with your “me” time. If you can do something spur-of-the-moment you get “extra” credit in the heart’s desire boost for spontaneity. (Extra credit is good news for you over-achievers!)

Consistency is important to re-wire heart’s desire as part of your lifestyle pattern. This takes conditioning or practice to keep repeating versions of your heart-felt activities to hardwire it as a habit. This new habit will take frequent practice which is why you track it for 30 days.

Consistently giving to yourself this way trains a new habit of self-devotion and strengthens your ability to be more spontaneous and flexible when you say “Yes, I would love to do that” and you follow through. It lays down new tracks of neuro-wiring to bring more fun and pleasure into your daily life. This is a positive way to access the Dopamine reward system to hardwire a new pattern for prioritizing yourself so you can receive the gift of your own energy that you normally give away to others.

You may give to yourself from a place of indulgence to feel better in the moment. This leads to disempowerment and can trigger the “should-do” that can lead to feelings of shame and guilt. Giving to ourselves from self-indulgence will not refuel our tank with sustainable energy other than the short rush of dopamine reward that immediately drops after the initial surge leaving you feeling flat. You may also be sabotaging something that you really want for yourself in the future, such as losing weight, more financial abundance, or feeling more happiness.

Many of us are naturally “other” focused. We encode the habit of putting the needs, wills and desires of others before our own. This “people pleaser” pattern typically starts in early childhood when you want to feel a sense of feeling loved, belonging and fitting in. This drive to be pleasing may be how you have created success through your work or how you have dedicated yourself to your marriage or to parenting. You are so reliable, so dependable and willing to put others before yourself. In the long run, are you sabotaging your personal health and happiness from this pattern of over-giving with self-forgetting?

The danger here of constantly giving your time and energy to others is that your own energy tank will run empty. Burnout and a lack of passion and fulfillment for your life are the symptoms of how you have leaked your energy outside yourself to others without refueling your own tank.

The key to pure heart’s desire is how you listen to that soft whisper inside that says “YES! I would love that!” OR saying yes to those heartfelt opportunities that come up with flexibility and spontaneity in the moment to engage with rather than tell yourself that you don’t have time, or your calendar is already full. Look for a contingency plan, or the ways you can say yes to both your calendar and your heart’s desire.

Respond to the longing for something that you know will reset your attitude. Knowing that the value of “me” time creates a renewed sense of energy gain and creativity and is often tied to your personal values. To reduce “should-do” commitments and prioritize the “want-to” choices, ask yourself “What is the truth here? What personal value am I supporting when I say yes to myself?” How will this improve the quality of my harmony and my happiness?

When you do things that trigger your shame and guilt, it’s important to determine if you have a values conflict with competing priorities. If your values for family or work are competing with your values for your heart’s desire, then pause, and drop down to listen to your heart. Take a breath to trigger the parasympathetic nervous system to access the stress resilience hormone release of “Rest and Digest.”  

With an open, curious mind, creatively and realistically ask yourself “What matters to me today? How can I say yes to myself and still honor my other priorities?” Listen to the answer that comes from your inner space of heart’s desire and not the inner dialogue that is laced with the should-dos. The Heart’s desire is the soft whisper from your heart that says “Yes, I would love that!”

If you are ready to explore how to break free from your stress habits that wipe you out, and gain a clear vision of how you can create a more happy and harmonious life, schedule your Dharma Design Session with Sara by calling her directly at 602.363.5533 or visit the online calendar to schedule here.