The Hidden Gift of Shadow Work

In my book, “Revelations from a Stress Junkie; Finding Courage at the Edge of Your Comfort Zone”, I wrote about the personal work I have done to explore my dark side, called my shadow, to discover how I limit myself when I step into unconscious habits or limiting beliefs. There was a lot I learned about how to re-wire my internal stress and feelings of anxiety and insecurity when I was willing to “poke a stick” at those parts of myself where I sabotaged myself. Or framed another way, to shine the light into my shadow so I could illuminate what I needed to see to increase my self-awareness. There is gold to be gained when we can increase our awareness and see an opportunity make an internal shift for the better. Shadow work can lead to an illumination. I recently had an experience where someone gave me feedback that I am a narcissist. I was caught off guard with that expression and felt a bit shocked that someone would see me that way, but I reflected that this was the perception that someone has of my nature. The first thought I had was of a teaching called “The Five Perceptions of Reality.” This simple teaching says that in life some people may like us, some may dislike us, some may hate us and some may love us. Some may feel neutral if they don’t know us well enough to even have a perception about their feelings toward us.  Any of these five perceptions can be possible in our relationships with others. There is a bigger teaching here to describe each perception but the main take-away is that not everyone is going to like us, and we don’t have to assume that we need to be liked by everyone. There is a freedom when we let go of trying to be liked by everyone. Think of the extremes we go through to be liked, loved and accepted. This can be very stressful if we jump through hoops and do summersaults to be likable rather than being secure and true to ourselves. Letting go of being liked and loved by everyone is a big step in our maturity as a human being. Those who truly know us, will like us or love us, even on our worst day. Those who don’t, aren’t in our inner circle and therefore, are not worth losing our precious energy over. I took in the feedback and reflected on it rather than denying it was true. I gave someone this impression of my nature and whatever that person’s symbols and experiences are, they can have their opinion. So I asked myself, “How am I that? Where am I a narcissist in my life?” In terms of Shadow Work, many times those words that trigger us the most may ring true in some way internally and linked to our fear or insecurity. The key to shadow work is to stay open and be curious about that word or term that has a charge for us. Examples of these potentially unsavory character qualities are words like insecurity, arrogance, flaky, promiscuous, laziness, pompous, or stubborn.  The key is to keep it light and playful using humor to explore the energetic and feel where it leads to an illumination through self-awareness when you “try it on” and see how it feels for you. Now that I have tried on the energetic of narcissism, I can see that I have an opportunity to be a better listener, more empathetic and other-focused and not always the one who gets the conversation going by jumping in with a humorous story but to be willing to simply hold space for another without filling the space. These were very important reminders that I know yet at times, when I’m not at my best, when I’m nervous, overwhelmed or not in my center, I’m more likely to forget the importance of how to do open-heart-to-heart communication in a respectful, empowering way with another. On the flip side, I also saw that in many of the arenas of my leadership, I’m the person in the lead of the group, In my exuberance, I gather the energy of the group. I’m known for my funny stories that break the ice, I’m very skilled at building the matrix of the group and getting everyone on the page together so we can move forward and leave no one behind. I give my clients and students the individual attention they need to look at their shadow side too. If I wasn’t willing to see my own dark side, then how can I hold space for them to be in theirs when it shows up? I’m truly grateful to the individual who gave me the feedback that I’m a narcissist for it was an invitation for me to look into my own mirror of self-reflection to gain more self-awareness of my relations with others. Learn more about shadow work in my soon to be released book “Revelations from a Stress Junkie; Finding Courage at the Edge of Your Comfort Zone.” Coming to Amazon soon.