When my 20-year-old nephew was in Trauma ICU being worked up for an organ donation, I said to his older brother, this is your time to speak the unspeakable to your brother because we are going to lose him.
When my father was in the last days of his fight with cancer, I took the opportunity to thank him for all that he had done for me growing up as his daughter. We stayed together sharing special moments on that last night before he died.
There was the day that I thanked my mother for being my strongest teacher, that she was the reason that I’m the woman I am. If she had parented me like June Cleaver, I would be a very very different person today.
There is healing in end-of-life conversations, and it is important to not miss that window before the opportunity slips past. The door opens in those quiet moments so you can connect from your heart with trust and truth.
There is also healing from the start-of-life conversations. Start of life implies that once you feel the courage to speak the unspeakable to someone with an open honest heart, a difficult relationship can change for the better like a fresh start.
Finding the courage to speak up has its rewards from my personal experience.
Once the difficult person who triggers me hears what I need from them, or how their communication or behavior is impacting the space, that person can potentially increase their self-awareness and may personally grow from my feedback, or at lease have more awareness for what I need from them. I’m offering that person a potential gift of self-awareness based on what I reflect to that person. It’s like a wake up call.
When you find the courage to confront a challenging situation, behavior, or personality with open heart-to-heart communication you can actually turn that relationship around with a new understanding. The essential key is for you to stay non-judgmental and neutral in your communication with the difficult person. Simply state what is to be spoken in terms of sharing honest truth.
Many times difficult people are not aware that their behavior or style of communication is triggering in to you and others. They will go through life triggering and annoying people without any self-awareness of their impact to those around them.
Once you simply share a perspective with that person, they can now have an awareness to grow with. When we don’t speak up truthfully, that person will lack the self-awareness to change. You are being supportive when you offer honest feedback and it can feel vulnerable to be on the receiving end of feedback which is why it’s so important to deliver a neutral, nonjudgmental message to the recipient.
One approach to these conversations is to start with asking permission if you can have a word with that person. You don’t want to blind side them.
Then start with something that is true and honest that is a positive attribute or quality for this person. For example, “You have a lot of experience in this arena” or “I appreciate your willingness to support this project.”
Then state your challenge in neutral, nonjudgmental language that focuses on yourself without blame or shame towards that person. For example:
- “When you speak to me with that tone, it shuts me down and I don’t want to participate. If you can communicate with me differently, I can stay open to what you have to say.”
- “When you micromanage my project, I feel disempowered. I would like some clear agreements about how we can work together that is a win-win.”
When I have found the courage to confront a difficult person’s behavior or communication style that triggers my feelings of annoyance, insecurity, vulnerability, or shame, I have been able to turnaround the situation to create a solid working relationship moving forward. Clearing the decks for open, honest communication is important. First ask permission to get the other person’s buy-in will help them stay open and receive what you have to say. Follow up to simply state your desire to create a deeper understanding or whatever it is you need to speak about.
Clear honest communication is at the heart of building strong cohesive relationships at work, at home and with important people in your life. The art of communication is based not only on what you say but more importantly how you listen and hold a neutral space with that other person during your exchange.
The most amazing thing happens when you find the courage to speak the unspeakable. You will feel a boost directly towards your self-worth and self-empowerment simply by meeting the confrontation rather than skirting around it, ignoring it or losing energy over it. The real gift happens when you both gain something from the conversation as a win-win and not an “I win and you lose.”
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