Doubt makes you say no when you want to say yes, and insecurity makes you say yes when you want to say no. It’s not as straightforward as the expression “Just say no!”
The article below was sent to me recently by someone who knows my personal challenge with the word No. Often when I’m speaking about stress mastery to groups someone will share that they would feel less stressed if they would learn how to say the word “no”.
The author made some points about saying no that gave me pause, to see my relationship to that word with more compassion for myself.
I dug a little deeper into the thesis of this article and what I saw may resonate with you too. I am obedient. I always say yes; especially if someone important to me asks me to do something. It can be a family member, a mentor, a teacher, a client or some authority figure.
If I’m asked to do something stretchy, or out of my comfort zone, I will always say yes to the request of others even through my resistance. Then I lean into my stress hormones to push me through my resistance so I can meet the demand of the request. In this way I keep looping into my stress, like an addiction to crack, to help push me through my doubt and insecurity. I am a self-professed stress junkie. Yet through this pattern of stress dosing myself out of doubt and resistance, I have made a successful life overall, but at what cost to my health and happiness?
How to Say No
By Anna Von Reitz
“No” is one of the first words we all learn, but ironically, many of us never really learn how to use it.
We are co-opted in this by school indoctrination, by familial enforcement, and by social convention. We are literally taught not to say no.
The underlying subconscious meaning of this rigorous training comes down to the message: “its bad to say no” and in too many cases where children are disrespected and abused it can also mean —“you have no right to say no.”
So we get the message early and often that it is wrong for us to say no, even though our parents do it often and with emphasis, and as children, we also get the message that we have no right to do so in the face of parents and teacher and other “authority figures”.
No wonder that so many adults are conflicted and even somewhat confused by the simple word, “No.”
I say yes to others for things I would never put my hand up for because of my insecurity and desire to be pleasing and not wanting to disappoint others. I am obedient. I don’t always have the faith in myself that others seem to have in me. This is doubt.
Doubt will keep you from taking action. Doubt will keep you from putting your hand up to volunteer for something that you can learn and grow from. But when someone important to you asks you to do it, and you say yes, then this is insecurity. Insecurity and doubt is a double edged sword. One opens the door to the other. If you doubt yourself you will feel insecure. If you are insecure you will doubt yourself.
I can’t say no to others very well but It’s easy to say no to myself. I say no to myself often. I can have a whole conversation with myself once I say no to myself. This is because when I say no to myself, I am listening to that inner critic that is telling me that I’m not good enough or skilled enough or confident enough.
The voice of doubt will keep you from putting your hand up for opportunities that will test and challenge you so you can grow in some way. Doubt and insecurity will keep you in repression and not evolving and growing when you offer your gifts and shining out into the world.
Do you have this voice too? This voice that whispers in your inner ear the sabotaging tune of doubt and insecurity? What song are you listening to? It’s important to pause and take a deep breath. Ask yourself “What is the truth here?” Then give a name to the feeling of doubt and insecurity and ask yourself “What small action will I take to banish my insecurity and step into action and out of doubt??
During these past weeks of Covid-19 we have all taken a pause. You have time for introspection about the priorities you really want to change in your life. Imagine what would be possible if you said no to others and yes to yourself? Imagine if you could take one small step towards your freedom or put your hand up for an opportunity as an act of spontaneity? This is how you gain inner-security and outer confidence that you can grow with.
Sara Regester
Stress Mastery Expert
Directions 4 Wellness
www.directions4wellness.com
Recent Comments